Posts
This is going to be a very superficial post.
I've always had low self-esteem, especially when it comes to the way that I look.
It's just always been an issue. In my family, I've always been the "fatter" one. I was a relatively big child with a relatively big appetite. My parents would tease me (and they still do sometimes) about how fat I am and that I need to lose weight. Complete strangers have called me fat to my face before and believe it or not, I am a fucking human being that has feelings.
I have an older sister and we're 7 years apart; I've always looked up to her.
She's always been the one who got compliments from strangers in the street, the one who could make someone do a double take. You might call me silly for thinking of her so highly, but it's true. She could be a model for all I know. Certainly has the looks for it.
Anyway, enough about that.
I'm the type of person to bottle up my real feelings and I tend to put on a façade when it comes to how I feel, although it might not help because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I also love attention. I enjoy the spotlight, I like being payed attention to. It's a nice feeling; knowing that someone cares enough to stop and listen to you. Sometimes when I go out with friends, I don't talk just to see if someone will talk to me first, or ask if I'm alright. To see if the thought of talking to me comes up into someone's head. To see if I'm in anyone's thoughts at all.
I may sound like a shitty, vain monster but hey- that's what I really am.
It's interesting how you start this post by talking about bad you feel about yourself and ending it with feeling vain.
ReplyDeleteYou're not fat. Your beautiful. I know me saying that will probably not make a difference in how you feel, but don't be so down on yourself.
Everyone bottles up their real feelings. It's instinctive. Most people love spotlight, unless they're shy. And everyone wants love and appreciation. It doesn't make you vain to want people to think of you. It's totally normal. 75% of my daydreams involve me getting seriously injured and seeing who cares.
You're not a monster. You're human. The thing is, you have to trust instinctively that people really do care about you because if you get too caught in this kind of thinking you'll drive yourself mad.