Bare

This is going to be a very superficial post.

I've always had low self-esteem, especially when it comes to the way that I look.

It's just always been an issue. In my family, I've always been the "fatter" one. I was a relatively big child with a relatively big appetite. My parents would tease me (and they still do sometimes) about how fat I am and that I need to lose weight. Complete strangers have called me fat to my face before and believe it or not, I am a fucking human being that has feelings.

I have an older sister and we're 7 years apart; I've always looked up to her.
She's always been the one who got compliments from strangers in the street, the one who could make someone do a double take. You might call me silly for thinking of her so highly, but it's true. She could be a model for all I know. Certainly has the looks for it.

Anyway, enough about that.

I'm the type of person to bottle up my real feelings and I tend to put on a façade when it comes to how I feel, although it might not help because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I also love attention. I enjoy the spotlight, I like being payed attention to. It's a nice feeling; knowing that someone cares enough to stop and listen to you. Sometimes when I go out with friends, I don't talk just to see if someone will talk to me first, or ask if I'm alright. To see if the thought of talking to me comes up into someone's head. To see if I'm in anyone's thoughts at all.

I may sound like a shitty, vain monster but hey- that's what I really am.

Are we strangers yet?

Sometimes I wish I had the friend-kind of relationship with my parents. Y'know, the kind where you could talk to your mom about boys, school, or just life in general.

The relationship that my mother and I are grounded in is pretty much a mother-daughter relationship and it bothers me sometimes. Because of this, I don't talk much to my parents besides the occasional "hello," or something like that. I'm basically living a double life. I don't show them anything in regards to school- tests, quizzes, etc. I usually just sign those things myself, as bad as that is. And it's not even like I get bad grades or anything! I just don't want to bother going up to them and asking them to sign my stuff and having them ask about the class.

When the rare occasion does take place (where I tell them about a teacher I don't like or something), they usually don't listen to me. I'd have to repeat myself a couple of times before I get a legitimate response.

I feel like this kind of thing is present in a lot of Asian families. I've noticed that Asian parents tend to treat their children and talk to them as if they're only a child and that you shouldn't be "friends" with them. That there should be a level of hierarchy in the relationship. Many American families converse with their children as if they're another person, like they're just any other human being walking the earth regardless of how old or young they are.

I get envious of the people that can tell their parents anything and everything, the people whose relationships with their parents are so solid that they don't care if they say something stupid because they know their parents won't judge them.

Now obviously I know there's still a line which cannot be crossed (or may be, depending on the case) and is still kept in the TMI category, but I just wish that it could be a little different.

Unexpected expectations

We got down to doing some REAL work today. Started on the murals right outside of STAC room.

The objective of what we were working on today was that we'd first start with simply writing our name and then branching out from there with something we love. We'd have to branch off from that and write why we love what we love. Then branch off AGAIN and write why we love what we love what we love! You get the point.

When I first started, my mind hit a complete road block. It usually does. The problem with me is that my mind is a completely blank slate so I need someone/something to tell me/inspire me to draw something. I have a very difficult time thinking of stuff on my own.

Anyway, I have to be completely frank- the mural looked like absolute shit. I was expecting something 100x more organized and proper, something that looked like the timeline of evolution; neat, orderly and showing some sort of significance.

The sunny side up of this situation was that because nothing was orderly, neat, proper, etc., every single "thought process" was unique. It individually told so many things about the person who drew it on the wall. The hand writing, the way you connected the words, the way your organized it- it all traces back to mirror who YOU are. So while the mural is an eyesore to look at, it shows individuality. It's important to become yourself, and not some stupid barbie clone (which I sadly see a lot of in school.)

You have to set yourself aside from everyone else and in a sense that's essentially what happened with our mural this afternoon. We were all given the same exact directions but we all had different images of the outcome depicted in our minds. We didn't do a "bad job." We just did what we were told.

A self portrait.

An image.

You.

Improv....what?!

Today we had what I think was our first workshop of the semester. We worked on improv!

I've always wanted to act, but never really knew how since my parents always put me down for taking an interest in it. They'd always tell me that if I tried to get into that field, it'd be hard to find a job. I've always had some kind of stage fright. I'm afraid and self conscious of what I'll look like, if I'll make a fool out of myself because I know what goes through my mind when I see people who can't act. The stage is scary stuff when all eyes are on you.

I don't see myself as a particularly good actor, although I'm trying to improve. What really sparked my interest again was that this summer I went on a cruise to Alaska and an improv group from The Second City was on board as performers. I watched one of their shows one night and it got me thinking. It was on my mind for quite a while. I hesitantly talked to my sister about it, and she told me to "go for it. We need more asian actors anyway!" I also read Tina Fey's auto biography, Bossy Pants where she talks about her as a woman in the career of showbiz and comedy.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm whining (and probably am), but I feel more comfortable behind-the-scenes designing sets and stuff just because I know I'm good at it.

I want to break free from my shell. Step outside the box a little bit, be a little brave.

I just don't know if I can do it on my own.

Pick up that pencil!

Over these past few years, I've been drawing so much more frequently than I would usually do.

Like said in the STAC code, 6) Talent is luck. Be thankful, you're lucky. But, realize luck is a minor force, don't rely on it; I've been working really hard on improving my art/creativity skills more and more. But I guess I finally lucked out! 


My friend and I opened up this tshirt shop and I was her main designer. It started out being just this tiny, humble little unknown shop. (The designs on the shop are catered specifically to a large fandom that we're both a part of). I started drawing more, and our shop gradually got more and more popular. We advertised ourselves on other popular blogging websites, and people began to see our shop.

In over just the two months that we've been open, we've already make 1k+ JUST from selling tshirts. (To the left; Misha Collins with a fan)

We even got so successful that the actors from the show began to notice and see the designs I was producing!

I also recently opened up commissions for my art, and I just got my first one requested today, so I'm stuper stoked about getting it done.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you had a passion for something that got lost, maybe one day you might want to rediscover it. You never know where it might take you!

Eezy Peezy, Livin' Breezy

First day of high school is always an eventful one.

Getting lost among all the amazons that roam the hallways to getting yelled at on the first day for being late- it gets a tad bit stressful I must admit. I entered knowing it wasn't going to be a piece of cake, but I got assigned a regent and a paper all due tomorrow (that I finished already, mind you). School hasn't even "officially" started yet and I'm breaking out already!

I guess this is what turning your brain completely off for 2 months does to a person.

I talked to a couple of people that were no longer STAC noobies and they told me that once 6th period ends, school essentially ends too. Academically, at least. I must say, I agree with them!


Watched an episode of Star Trek today and the message that it conveyed was something that I was totally not expecting. I've never seen the show, so I didn't really know what to expect anyway. It spoke about homosexuality and I think it's a very interesting topic, because it's not one that's often touched upon in school and I'm just really glad that it's so openly discussed and talked about in STAC.

Even though this is my first year, and even how perpetually lost I will probably be, I have a good feeling there's a lot in store when it comes to STAC.

I look forward to spending more time and getting to know everyone better!