Beginnings

Sometimes I feel as if my freshman self was more zealous and carefree when heading into a project.
Lately it feels like I've become more cautious and curious about making something good. I tell people that it's all in the process and that you shouldn't worry about making a good "x", especially if it's your first. But perhaps I'm not practicing what I preach.

I think I can attribute this to energy and freshness. During my freshman year, everything was spectacularly new and different. I was in a new environment and adjusting to this new concept known as "STAC" and "Bold Optimism." Knowing myself, I get bored quite easily and unless I find a reason to continue working on something, I abandon it. But I also think it's important to see things through till the end because producing work and getting things done is what will count in the end.

That being said, I do feel like a reason why I've partially lost that "gung ho" drive is because I've become comfortable. High school no longer offers me anything new and I need change in order to thrive. I'm twiddling my thumbs and waiting to go to college already where the people are different and the challenges are worth while. Or maybe I'm making excuses. Not sure.

Now on the topic of what keeps me from starting something....

I have preoccupations (also colloquially known as distractions) and a routine that usually sets me up to work. When I'm at home, I have to clear my table, make myself a cup of tea, check Facebook, close Facebook and then get comfortable. It's only then that I usually am able to sit down and get going on a project like writing a paper.

Some tricks that I use to get myself started is to set up things the night before so that the next day, I'm more motivated to work on it. For example, if I'm set to work on a paper (this is my example at the current moment because well, I'm in the midst of writing my "do or die" PiG paper), I'll open all the documents I'll need the night before so that the next time I sit down in front of my computer to work, I'll dive right into it.

Fear

Fear.

Through the years that I've been in STAC, one of the main ideas that Luke has tried to pound out of everybody is the concept of fear. Everything that we cannot do comes from the root of fear. The fear to disappoint, the fear that we are not good enough, the fear that others will judge us, the fear that we will fail...the list goes on. Fear disguises itself as "laziness, resistance to deadlines, irritation with materials or surrounding, distraction over the achievements of others...anything that keeps you from giving your work your best shot."

When making artwork, we encounter a great amount of fear. Hell, we encounter a great amount of fear even when we are not making artwork. But I think that fear may be one of the reasons why many individuals stop pursing their talents within the arts. Let's say that someone who is in high school has the drawing abilities of someone in 1st grade. A peer sitting next to this person is the same age but has the drawing skills of an artist who is twenty years ahead of their present self. The kid who can't draw as well is discouraged from ever nurturing their potential talent because they're put down by other competition. Julian is a prime example that comes to my mind when it comes to shutting the door in fear's face. He only realized and figured out that he wanted to apply for art school in his senior year and if you ask me, that's pretty damn fearless.

That brings me to my next point: when in the realm of art, competition and those who are better than you shouldn't make you feel insecure about your abilities. You should not feel afraid of the possibility that you will never be as talented as someone whose work hangs on the walls of museums. You should however, feel compelled to spit in fear's face. You should feel determined and ready to jump the hurdles that are necessary in order to one day see your artwork among the reigns of greatness. Those who are better than you in what you want to pursue should become a model of what you want to achieve and someday even surpass.

Let them function as a beacon of light, not a hopeless abyss of darkness.

"On the other side of fear is freedom."

The Art of Being Artless, or in other words, Bob Ross

I'm very intrigued by Bob Ross and his impact on American culture.

In the second chapter of The Accidental Masterpiece, The Art of Being Artless, Michael Kimmelman goes into detail about how Bob Ross was a "televangelist painter."And it really is true to some extent.

There's not much I can say that sums up Bob Ross' impact on people better than these two passages:

"Ross thereby touched on a basic reason for making art-- to have a place to indulge your id and comfort your ego, an area of authority, where perhaps, secondarily, with luck and a little effort, you might make something good enough to hand on the wall or show to strangers."

"Ross did not get bogged down in the issue of whether his cheesy paintings were actually good. Nor did he really care whether anybody even painted along with him."

I don't think it really mattered that Bob Ross wasn't a true Picasso; he exposed the general public to a new past time that was no longer exclusively available to the rich and wealthy. Throughout his 30 min. landscape painting episodes, he constantly motivated his viewers to "make decisions" and allow themselves to "find themselves in their paintings." Kimmelman put it the best-- "His purpose was as much to massage souls as it was to teach painting." He essentially sold hope to the American public and they devoured it like the last supper. He realized that even if you don't have the technical expertise of let's say, Leonardo Da Vinci, it shouldn't and doesn't make you any less capable of creating and enjoying art. Art is for anybody and everybody.

Pierre Bonnard & Scene

This is a portrait of Reneé Monchaty, one of the two women that Pierre Bonnard had an affair with while married to Marthe de Méligny (who mind you, isn't even her real name). This is a very peculiar portrait due to several things: the intensity of the color and the more aggressive strokes. There is something about this painting that suggests to me the sheer delight that Bonnard had while putting paint down. The length of strokes are longer than usual; they almost feel more confident and precise. Perhaps Bonnard ended up involving himself in an affair with this woman because she was the complete opposite of Marthe. I mean, it's completely clear- even the way that he illuminates her personality shines through in the way that he portrays her. She's a sunflower, Marthe is a dandelion.

In comparison to the previous painting, Bonnard paints this portrait of Marthe in a more reserved fashion both in strokes and color. He seems more hesitant when painting Marthe (which is perfectly fine because that's how Marthe was; delicate like a bird). Personally, I really love how he depicts Marthe because as a viewer, it's clear that their relationship was soft and patient. The vibration of colors and paint on Marthe's body truly matched his goals: "He wanted to convey the feeling of living human beings occupying a room, so that his work would not be simply a static image of an inanimate object place recorded by a detached observer but a remnant, like lingering perfume, of the interaction between himself and his model in that space, a memory of their being together, which mean, frequently, a memory of him and Marthe, his principal model, " (14). 

Although Picasso would've rather skinned Bonnard than be in the same room as him, I must say that there is some value to the "impressionist after impressionism was dead," (10). The emptiness in Bonnard's eyes in this self portrait is quite haunting...he looks so very distant and preoccupied. I'm curious about what is happening in the background- it's not completely rendered, but rendered enough to identify fuzzy two bodies. It's almost like his desires are split between two women- perhaps between Reneé and Marthe.

*SCENE*

INT. LIVING ROOM

Sunlight is pouring into the spacious yet slightly cluttered living room. Renée is splayed across a couch, seemingly lost in her own head. Pierre is sitting across from her, easel up, painting. Several other unfinished canvases litter the walls.

PIERRE

Oh Reneé darling...you're so beautiful, the way that the sunlight kisses your body.

RENÉE

Oh, darling..

PIERRE

(Hushed)

I'd like to see Picasso get a piece of ass like this.

RENÉE

Excuse me?

PIERRE 

Nothing.

Renée shifts her position on the couch. She is now sitting upright, looking slightly troubled. Her mind feels distant.

RENÉE

Do you love me Pierre? I mean...do you truly love me? And I mean love, love. It breaks my heart to see you run aloof with that pigeon, Marthe. Why deal with pigeons when you can deal with peacock-

Renée's thoughts are abruptly cut off by the front door opening. Marthe enters the room, makes eye contact with Renée and then Pierre. She is wide-eyed and stunned. Her face becomes beet red. Renée realizes who just happened to walk through the door. She puts on a slight smirk and crosses her legs.

PIERRE

(Flustered)

O-Oh Marthe! I wasn't, um, expecting you for, um, another three hours or so! What're you doing home so, uh, early? And oh! This here is erm, my friend-

RENÉE

The name's Renée. He's cheating on you with me, hun. Sorry not sorry.

PIERRE

I can explain.

Marthe becomes quietly enraged and forces a smile. 

MARTHE

Well, okay, Pierre. Have, uhm, fun with your, how do I say it? Oh right! Filthy prostitute. I suppose I'll be back later.

Marthe clears her throat, scans the room once more, and then suspiciously backs out from the living room. Renée and Pierre share an awkward moment.

RENÉE

Sucks to be her, huh. Anyway, are you going to finish painting me or what? I'm not going to be alive forever, darling.

INT.DINING ROOM - THE NEXT MORNING

Pierre is sitting in his kitchen, drinking an espresso and catching up on the daily newspaper. A headline catches his eye. It reads Blond Woman Found Stabbed to Death in Bed of Roses. Marthe sneaks up from behind him and puts her hand on his shoulder. She scares him and Pierre does a spit take.

MARTHE

(Half-heartedly)

It's such a shame, what happened to Renée. Oh well.

PIERRE

...Shit.

Popcorn!

Today was my second independent project work day on the film with Jessica J, Emily, and Brian. I am glad to say that I am very impressed and happy with how today's progress went. Jessica, our lovely head writer, pulled together a script for our short film a few nights ago and we went in and cut it up today. Being a first draft, there were obviously a few errors that needed fixing. As a team, we put our noggins together and edited the entire film script.

The meaning of the film changed entirely and another main character presented themselves as we were writing the script. Interesting how these sort of things work out; we weren't even trying to make another character! At the very end, Luke hopped in and gave us some advice that I believe really solidified the entire film.

I don't want to give away too much of what the film is about because I believe that we have really created a little gem here. We still have some tweaking to do here and there but overall, our plot is pretty solid. This is going to be a good project because it's short and completely doable.

I'm excited to see where this film will take us next.

A Short Film

Today was a work day. That's quite self explanatory, isn't it?

We came together and brainstormed for all of the three periods and we were trying to figure out how to go about starting this project. We narrowed it down and gave the film a couple of parameters: First of all, the film will be within 3-5 minutes long. Secondly, it will either be a horror or a dramedy (we're leaning towards the latter). Lastly, we decided that it was going to revolve around a man and one of his childhood memories. Our research included discussing Louis C.K. and his cynical (but brutally honest) approach to the world and watching a couple of his stand-up clips.

It took us a little while to solidify an idea because we were all going off on different tangents and considering different possibilities. However, I believe one of our problems today was that we were trying to collaborate and create this film into a much longer thing than we had time for. Luke stepped in near the end and clarified that to us.

I'm serving as the director/cinematographer/video editor in this project and my vision for this film is to create something that is straight to the point and direct while at the same time being of high quality. While there's nothing quite on par with the short film Porcelain Unicorn, it gives me hope that it's very possible to make a fantastic 3 minute film.

Senior Independent Projects

For my independent project, I've decided to collaborate with Emily, Jessica, and Brian in creating a film. For the most part, I believe that it's safe to assume that they will be the master brainstormers in terms of the script. I volunteered to film and help direct the movie. Tomorrow we're planning on bringing some ideas to the table and throwing them around till we seem to get something that we all enjoy.

Well here goes nothing.

The Accidental Masterpiece: An Introduction

I remember having this book in my possession during my sophomore year- Luke had assigned it to me, but I basically blew it off after reading the first page or so. It looked and sounded like it was going to be redundant and just plain boring. Wow, how could I have been more wrong.

I liked what Luke said to me today: sometimes books come along when you're ready for them. 

When I read the introduction this time around, I was intrigued and fascinated by Kimmelman's innate ability to describe the indescribable. The words just roll off his mind like any other thought- it seemed almost effortless. The fact that I also now have a richer library than I did in my freshman, sophomore and junior year was also beneficial while reading the passage because I finally knew who these artists were! I know who Pierre Bonnard, Edgar Degas, Toulouse-Lautrec, and Antoine de Saint-Exupery are. To have this type of knowledge is irreplaceable because without it, these names are empty and devoid of meaning. 

One quote from the passage that really struck me was how he approached art: 

"I hope to approach the art of seeing here in the spirit of an amateur. I mean amateur in the original sense of the word, as a lover, someone who does something for the love of it, whole heartedly. The best amateur has the skills of a professional but true professionals stay amateurs at heart, keeping a lid on the cynicism and irony that can pass for sophistication in some circles."

This was simply amazing and groundbreaking for me. I loved it so much I wrote it down in my sketch book. It resonated with me because it's something that I want to stand for. Last year during grading time, Luke had us create our own advice. Mine goes as follow:

• Whenever someone asks me why I'm doing something that seems outlandish or unordinary, the only answer I can give them is "Why not?" 

• Allow yourself to experience all that there is and to soak up all the opportunities that come your way. Who the hell are you to say that you are too good to do something? However, you must be wise in what you choose to indulge in because while you say yes to one possibility, you also say no to another, and vice versa.

• I believe that it is truly possible to work in any medium regardless of its quality. Yes, it might piss you off that its not turning out the way that you desire, but who knows- happy accidents may occur. Do not let the physical properties of something put limits on your imagination.

• Most importantly, keep your ego in check. With pride comes a big ego, and with a big ego comes a breeding ground for douchebaggery. And no one likes a douchebag.

In one way or another, our advice to others is quite similar- create and love art for the sake of passion and existence. Let your ego get in the way and you will become a sell-out of an artist.

Rusty

Woo!

Well it certainly has been quite a while since I've posted on here.
This past summer has been quite good to me- I traveled a bunch and was even presented with the amazing opportunity to intern at an actual fashion label as a fashion photographer.

Anywho, this marks the start of my senior year. It's so weird to think that I met one of my best friends in STAC when I was a freshman and she was a senior- now fast forward three years, I'm in her shoes.

The colleges I'm looking into currently include SAIC, CalArts, Purchase, Pratt and Carnegie Mellon. I'm still undecided as to what I want to major in, but I'm leaning towards something like Theatrical Design. I was originally thinking about Communication Design, but I realized that I don't want to be sitting in front of a computer screen for 8 hours a day. I need human interaction and I need people.

This is going to be an extremely crowded and busy semester for me, and I'm going to be honest- it's going to be miserable and brutal. College apps will take over my life and creating an art school portfolio will snap me in half. I also have my PiG class first semester on top of 3 rigorous AP classes and more. I'll really have no time for fun or fooling around- I'll have to lock down. Guh.

Michelle out.

Captain Celery

Since I've kind of blown off every project Luke has tried to assign me, he tacked me to work with Austin on his comic/coloring book.

 

I'm fully aware that I've been slacking lately, and I take full responsibility of it. There's just something about the end of the school year that makes my motivation go straight out the window. I want a fresh breath of air and I want to get out of this boring environment already! It's sapping away all my life energy! 

Anyway, I'm the art director on Austin's project, Captain Celery. I'm still not sure on the plot of this whole story since Austin is all over the place, but that's quite alright. I came up with a working sketch for the front cover: 

And a working sketch for the back cover:

I do know that there's something that goes in between foods that are healthy and foods that are crap. 

I'm glad that I'm cruising with this project since I really haven't had much on my plate yet this quarter. Sigh. I need to step it up.

Lobby Greeter at MoMA!

I am excited to say that I am now officially a volunteer at the Museum of Modern Art! Insert fan fare.

Yesterday was volunteer orientation and I was surprised to notice that I was the youngest person in the room by at least 10 years or so! In the mix included worldly seeming college professors and working artists looking to commit some of their time to a great museum. Is it weird to say that it felt kind of cool being the only quote on quote, kid, in the room? Something about it is sort of validating, I suppose.

Anyway, we just went over the basic things- customer service, dress codes, mission statements, etc.

Yadda yadda yadda.

And holy crap- the benefits of being a volunteer at MoMA is wonderful! I'm as happy as a clam.

The position that I'm taking is the Lobby Greeter. I am thrilled to begin volunteering and contributing to such a wonderfully rich and historical monument in NYC. I am also very interested in the kinds of networks that I will form as a result of working at the MoMA. Hopefully all of this will come into fruition of some sort, be it personal fulfillment or work opportunities.

I am also going to applying to MoMA PS1's summer Warm Up concert festival as a volunteer! Warm Up takes place every year outdoors and is well, a concert festival. As if that wasn't clear enough. It's open every Saturday throughout the summer and it should be great fun.

Speaking of opportunities, I finally heard back from the art program I applied to earlier this year- Marie Walsh Sharpe Art Foundation. I received an e-mail and I was wait listed for admission! My feathers were ruffled for make a couple of minutes but then I shrugged it off. Whether or not I get it, I'll have a blast doing other things with my time (like volunteering at the MoMA). Of course I hope that I get in, but my world is not going to fall apart if I don't.

I guess this is my blog post about making a film.

I have my qualms about writing films on my own because it's a pretty revealing medium and frankly, I'm afraid and nervous. And I don't particularly like writing films-- I'm much more interested in shooting them. But anyway, I dodged that bullet in order to do what I have to do, which is to produce a film- that's why I teamed up with Sarah Robinson.

We're in the middle of putting together a plot for a film centered around a person who turns into a werewolf during a full moon and needs adult supervision.

I had originally wanted to do a more serious script but I don't believe that I'm ready to tackle it quite yet. It's a bit too complex for my limited knowledge of creating films and I think my reluctance to take the time to flush out a script is also preventing me from leaping forward. I know we always emphasize bold optimism, but I'm a bit scared to be quite honest. I am a very open person but there are some thought processes that I keep rather hidden from the naked eye and I'm hesitant to bring that out into film format. It feels more comfortable to bring out that hidden knowledge in the form of paintings for me, but then again, maybe I'm just making excuses to not create a solo film.

The Illusionist

I have no idea what overcame me today while I watched this movie today during STAC.

It's one of those things that you can't really talk about because there's just so much to talk about.

For one, the animation itself had me on the brink of tears. I would feel a ripple of astonishment and wonder every ten minutes due to the shear amount of beauty the film had. It humbles me to think about the amount of work it took to animate The Illusionist. The director, Sylvain Chomet, also directed another film we watched in STAC called The Triplets of Belleville. That one was much more lighthearted than The Illusionist, but I did find many similarities. Both films had nearly identical color palettes, both flip flop in between the need for technology and its complications, and both are visually stunning. 

Today's film was so damn beautiful and so damn depressing and so damn unfulfilling all at once. The pauper-esque girl that ran off with the magician started out as such a charming and curious character but by the end of the film, I despised her for what she had done. The man who saved her from a life of work and dullness was repaid in ignorance and selfishness. I never once got the feeling that there was romance between the girl and the magician. It was always more like a father who wanted the best for his daughter. Even during times when money was tight, a smile on a daughter's face was enough.

Witnessing the evolution of both the magician and the girl's character throughout the film was devastating to my psyche. I think that is what caused me to want to sob uncontrollably after the film had ended. Just typing about it is making my eyes misty. The tremendously complex relationship between the two along with how the animation was executed just did it for me. The irony that was in the last couple of scenes hit me so hard because it exemplifies the idea that awareness is not an endless reservoir. The release of the rabbit and the endless vicious cycle of being pushed down but having the courage to get back up again is completely shot with the note that the magician left Alice near the end: 

"Magicians do not exist."

This film broke me in the best way possible. 

I want to watch this film over and over and over again and just let my spirit shatter into beautifully tragic pieces. 

Puppets and Improv

We did an improv activity with the puppets and this is all that I can say about it:

Puppets are freakin' weird, man.

It's fascinating the things that puppets can get away with- assaulting people, checking their boobs out, murder- you name it. There's this strange cognitive dissonance that surrounds puppets and it's really creepy! We did a series of trading puppets and puppeteer/victim responsibilities. My fairly innocent puppet turned out to be a real pervert when people played with it which is extremely amusing.

One puppet that I felt particularly assaulted by was Frank's puppet, which was controlled by Sabrina in my case. Wow, that was a weird sentence....puppet assault. Alrighty then! Frank's puppet reminded me of a medieval elf wizard high on crack, since it was snarling and it's eyes were terribly bloodshot. Sabrina also gave the puppet this demonic voice that was really offsetting.

Overall, sitting as a victim being leered at by a puppet is a very uncomfortable feeling. I'm not quite sure what it is because I mean, they're made of paper mache! They're not real human beings! Perhaps it's the dead expressions and the fact that they're dolls that make puppets really creepy and unappealing to be around alone.

MoMA

The Museum of Modern Art recently got in contact with me after all these months!

I applied for a volunteer position at the museum sometime last year (I think in October- I have no clue), and they finally got back to me. After a bunch of housekeeping involving a short letter of intent, references, resume, etc., the Director of Volunteering set up an interview with me.

I went in on Friday, April 18th, and arrived a tad bit early for my 1:30 PM interview. I was a little fidgety but that's only because this was my first interview ever. I volunteered to be a lobby greeter. The job goes as follows: 

Greet and direct visitors, discourage line jumping, distribute general information, educate visitors about Museum programs other attractions in New York, distribute plastic umbrella bags on rainy days, and assist with crowd control in the lobby. Approach families in the lobby and inform them about the resources available to families at MoMA. Seek out and approach groups at lobby entrances, and help to orient them by greeting them, establishing whether they have a reservation, taking the group leader to group processing area, and taking the groups to checkroom and group waiting area.

I was interviewed by the director and one other assistant who's already a volunteer. The general kind of questions were asked: what kind of extracurricular activities do you participate in, describe yourself with three qualities, and why are you interested in the program. I mentioned STAC and Lilypad Photo Studios, to which the assistant perked up and said she's heard of the photo studio.

Overall, they were quite pleased with my interview and both of them believed that I was a seasoned interviewee. They mentioned my decent speaking skills, confidence, and impressive resume for a high schooler. 

I think I have a pretty good shot at being accepted into the program.

Rabbits

Today was one of those days where I felt so grateful that my art had my back.

I was having a pretty shitty and uneventful day and I had no desire to go to art class. Now that I had finished my Marie Walsh application, there was no longer anything to cram for, so the drive to make art kind of became lost. I went to art class in the end because I had nothing else to do, and I didn't feel like staying at home.

I kept telling myself on the way that things would get better and that I had another half day to turn my day around, but I didn't really believe it.

Anyway, I dragged my butt there and ended up going to the nearby art store and picking up a canvas.

I started brainstorming and painting and here's where I am with it now:

Gross Garden

Sarah and I are working on a horribly disfigured art project called Gross Garden.

The concept is very simple: Sometimes, fruits and vegetables are really dirty.

It started out being a way to kill time since we both didn't feel like doing anything serious in class. We've been wanting to collaborate with each other for some time now, so this was perfect.

This is our brain child.

This is our demon child.

View at your own discretion.

Auld Lang Syne

Today was the moment of truth that Austin, Anika and I have been working up to.

Everyone presented their One-Act plays that they have been working on over the past three or so weeks. My particular one is called Auld Lang Syne Or, I'll Bet You Think This Play Is About You by Beverly Creasey. I played a "fashionable woman" named Anna and Austin played a "well-dressed man" named Charles.

Anyway, I'll cut to the chase.

The point is, I didn't do so well. I say that because I missed more than half my script. However, I believe that I did the best that I could given my circumstances. The run through that I did yesterday in front of the class was when I feel like I really nailed my character. There was a point in the play where I was screaming at Austin, and I got so into the scene that I nearly cried. I was shaken up after the scene ended.

I screwed up today and I'm a bit upset about it, but it wasn't devastating.
I should've reviewed my lines more and memorized them better.

Although today was sort of a mess up, I don't think it will discourage me from acting in the future. It's enjoyable, I must say. I remember coming into STAC my freshman year and being absolutely terrified of acting and standing up in front of people. I no longer feel as self-conscious and afraid about doing poorly in front of people. Of course it might feel embarrassing and crappy if I stumble, but it's not as catastrophic as it was before.

Molerat girl

WIP pastel inspired by Jenny Seville.

Rules:

- no blending of pastels allowed

Octopus lady

I'm working on a new painting that'a fairly large. It still needs much work, as I'm still working on the under painting. I'm excited.

Update ** 

**update 2: 3/8/14

***update 3: 3/22/14

FINISHED!! Just in time for my birthday.

Vlog #2: South African Subculture: Zef

Portrait of Julian

I decided to paint my second live portrait ever today, and my model was Julian. Now, the last time I did this was almost a year ago. I had painted Austin in May 2013. Here it is:

Nearly a year later, I tackled portrait painting again, and I guess I can say that I'm very pleased with myself and the progress I've made. Granted, all I've been working with recently are oil paints, so I should be making progress. Here's Julian:

However, I believe the I can do better than this. I'm not saying that I'm upset, because I'm not, I'm ecstatic, but there is always room to improve. Talent is cheap. There are many things that I can certainly fix. I painted this in about 1 1/2 hr.

I wonder where I'll be at in another year.

HTML Speak

Today in STAC, we experimented with coding for the first time.

I had always thought that coding was boring and redundant, but to my surprise, it was quite delightful.

We went to the computer room with the intention of posting up bios on Stacworld.net, but the Palestinians hacked us. Again. For the 3rd freakin' time. That being said, our bios obviously weren't going to happen. Instead, Anika recommended a fun coding website called "Code Academy." I screwed around and coded an extremely simplistic solar system with a sun and 3 planets. It managed to rotate, too!

Long story short, coding isn't half bad. It just takes a lot of memorization and getting used to.

In fact, I wrote this entire blog post in the HTML section. Pretty neat.

STAC Vlog #1: A Pretty Useless Food Review

Here is my first vlog ever!

This is the link to the actual food review that I wrote up on Yelp. 

It's much more informative and much less painfully awkward.

Recently, I've been doubting myself a little bit. And it's not because I don't feel confident, but because I don't know if what I'm doing will be worth while. I feel like it's stemming from the whole idea that as a species, we are afraid of dying and not "leaving behind our mark."

I'm not looking to change the world, but...is pursuing art a selfish choice?
If I could do some greater good with the art I make, then I think I'll be happier.
I love being involved in art and I've spent my entire life pursuing it-- it would be such a waste to take a sharp turn now. And I'm not saying that I want to throw it out, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm feeling a little bit insecure about my future.

Yes, I am whoever I want to be, but is that person a little too naive, a little too oblivious?

We're All Mad Here

Still life that is yet to be named

Sensation