Thoughts On a Winter Night

I'm always conflicted between wanting to grow up fast and wanting to stay a kid forever. I'm afraid of growing up because I don't want to lose my imagination and creativity. Most adults are boring and I don't want to become a boring adult. I can't imagine what it would be like to work a cubicle job. I don't think I'll ever be fully able to comprehend anyone who chooses to become an accountant or something of that sort. Is it because of the assured stability that comes with being one? But does that mean that someone who is an accountant is scared and unadventurous?

Working a cubicle job reminds me of Communism. In exchange for stability and a steady salary, you forfeit the artistic and creative mind (freedom of expression).

But then again..if you love what you do and if you're good at it, then that's all the really counts in the end, right? And even if you love what you do and you suck at it, wouldn't life be much more exciting versus doing something you hate for the rest of your life? That could actually go two ways.

If there's one thing I'll always disagree with, is when people call me a dreamer as if it's a bad thing. As if it's something that should be shunned and changed. Without the dreamers, how would the doers get anything done? How would anything advance or progress without the existence of dreamers? The reason why people don't like dreamers and why they're often seen as being lazy schmucks is because we have so many things we dream of doing and want to do, but simply not enough time to do it all. That, and the money that comes with it.

Money does not faze me. Yes, I guess it's a nice thing to have, but I don't care much about money. It has the ability to corrupt and infect even the purest of intents. And I know I have a biased perspective because in my life, money isn't a problem, but what I'm trying to get at is that I don't need money to make me happy. If I'm surrounded by people I care about and people that care about me, money doesn't necessarily appeal to me. And I'm not saying I want no money to the point where I'm homeless, but no money in the sense that I'd be perfectly okay living in a studio apartment with someone I love. I don't need some fancy car or some fancy big ass house.  I don't need designer handbags and hundred dollar makeovers. I don't need it, and I don't crave it. That's not my scene.

"Some people are so poor, all they have is money."

Family is important to me, but not as important as I'd like it to be. It's never like "I can't wait to go back home." It's never never "I wonder when my dad is going to be back from travel, I miss him." To me, family is important just because..well, because they're family. And it's not like I was deprived of a childhood or anything. But I didn't exactly have a particularly exciting childhood filled with unforgettable memories. I never cared much when my parents missed events like my birthday or even graduations. In fact, I remember going out of my way to tell my parents not to come see the school shows that I've preformed in. But one thing that does bother my time after time is whenever I am looking for praise, whether it be in art or my grades, the response is usually "Oh, okay." It's never like "Good job! I'm proud of you! Keep the good work up!" I've never been pampered with that shit.

I also feel sorry for my sister because between the two of us, I've always been regarded as the better child, and she know's it too. Because my sister is an introvert and I'm an extrovert, my dad can't comprehend her ways and instead just sees her as a lazy, apathetic person who can't communicate with the outside world. I understand her quite well, and I love her for who she is. I just wish that my dad could/would appreciate her in the same light that I do.