I wish I was Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind so I could erase my memories.

To forgive or not to forgive, that is the question.

Forgiveness is a peculiar thing. Being able to forgive is such an essential skill, yet many of us are unable to do it. Often times, I hear people complaining about something that someone did to them. It's accompanied with excessive cursing and irrational answers.

We all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment. Our emotions take over our rational thinking, and that's why people show emotions and become upset. Because we don't know how else to deal with it. If people were able to think things out rationally, then there'd be no need for emotions.

One cannot be truly happy and experience themselves day by day without knowing how to forgive. It's a skill that one must learn, for it's incredibly difficult. I, thankfully, have adopted this way of thinking. I know what not being able to forgive can do to a person.

I'm telling you to forgive the unforgivable. Forgive even when you know you shouldn't and even when it doesn't make sense to others. Let go of the burden that clouds your mind because in reality, not all things are black and white. Not everything comes with an explanation. Not everything follows the laws of logic. Some things just don't make sense, and that's okay. 

Acknowledge, forgive, and move on.

Thoughts On a Winter Night

I'm always conflicted between wanting to grow up fast and wanting to stay a kid forever. I'm afraid of growing up because I don't want to lose my imagination and creativity. Most adults are boring and I don't want to become a boring adult. I can't imagine what it would be like to work a cubicle job. I don't think I'll ever be fully able to comprehend anyone who chooses to become an accountant or something of that sort. Is it because of the assured stability that comes with being one? But does that mean that someone who is an accountant is scared and unadventurous?

Working a cubicle job reminds me of Communism. In exchange for stability and a steady salary, you forfeit the artistic and creative mind (freedom of expression).

But then again..if you love what you do and if you're good at it, then that's all the really counts in the end, right? And even if you love what you do and you suck at it, wouldn't life be much more exciting versus doing something you hate for the rest of your life? That could actually go two ways.

If there's one thing I'll always disagree with, is when people call me a dreamer as if it's a bad thing. As if it's something that should be shunned and changed. Without the dreamers, how would the doers get anything done? How would anything advance or progress without the existence of dreamers? The reason why people don't like dreamers and why they're often seen as being lazy schmucks is because we have so many things we dream of doing and want to do, but simply not enough time to do it all. That, and the money that comes with it.

Money does not faze me. Yes, I guess it's a nice thing to have, but I don't care much about money. It has the ability to corrupt and infect even the purest of intents. And I know I have a biased perspective because in my life, money isn't a problem, but what I'm trying to get at is that I don't need money to make me happy. If I'm surrounded by people I care about and people that care about me, money doesn't necessarily appeal to me. And I'm not saying I want no money to the point where I'm homeless, but no money in the sense that I'd be perfectly okay living in a studio apartment with someone I love. I don't need some fancy car or some fancy big ass house.  I don't need designer handbags and hundred dollar makeovers. I don't need it, and I don't crave it. That's not my scene.

"Some people are so poor, all they have is money."

Family is important to me, but not as important as I'd like it to be. It's never like "I can't wait to go back home." It's never never "I wonder when my dad is going to be back from travel, I miss him." To me, family is important just because..well, because they're family. And it's not like I was deprived of a childhood or anything. But I didn't exactly have a particularly exciting childhood filled with unforgettable memories. I never cared much when my parents missed events like my birthday or even graduations. In fact, I remember going out of my way to tell my parents not to come see the school shows that I've preformed in. But one thing that does bother my time after time is whenever I am looking for praise, whether it be in art or my grades, the response is usually "Oh, okay." It's never like "Good job! I'm proud of you! Keep the good work up!" I've never been pampered with that shit.

I also feel sorry for my sister because between the two of us, I've always been regarded as the better child, and she know's it too. Because my sister is an introvert and I'm an extrovert, my dad can't comprehend her ways and instead just sees her as a lazy, apathetic person who can't communicate with the outside world. I understand her quite well, and I love her for who she is. I just wish that my dad could/would appreciate her in the same light that I do.

Found a poem I wrote back in 2008 when I was maybe 11.

gazing
looking up into the 
starry night sky

the soft, sweet
breeze whizzes past my 
face
rustling through my hair

i sit down on the 
dew covered grass
dazzling and sparkling
in the moonlight

the sweet petals danced around me 
waltzing in the
star scattered night

The Untethered Soul

Ellen has kindly lent me her book, The Untethered Soul. It's gotten me to think and reflect a lot on how I act and how I think when I get emotional.

It's such an interesting concept too- the concept that the essence of your very self is well, your Self. You are merely a shell in which a conscience occupies. You are a voyeur that is simply aware of the voice inside of your head talking.

I've been attempting to "separate" my body from mind, and it really is difficult! I have yet to finish reading this book; I'm up to Part 2: Experiencing Energy. I'm going to go read it now.


Singer, Michael. The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself. Oakland: New Harbinger Publications Inc., 2007.

Valentine

A day that's dedicated to a saint
For a reason no one knows
Just another reason for you to taint
One more to your list of pros

You say that you love me so
And that you just need more time
Time waits for neither of us though
Leaving for things more sublime

You confuse my greatly, my dear
I'm giving my heart to you, my dear
I want you to take care of it, my dear
But I don't know if you're up for it, my dear

I'm afraid that by the time you're ready
I've would've already gone
Moved on past those Kodak settings
And those sweet summer lawns

Painting with Galen - Day 2

Galen's a pleasure to have around, and he certainly knows what he's doing! I don't usually paint, so I think today was good for me. It was good practice, and I'm glad with how my piece came out despite however not amazing it is!

At first, it was a little frustrating. But it got better as I painted more, and I eventually ended up with. I sort of ditched trying to exactly match the colors and instead just made everything really colorful.

This was good.

Drawing with Galen- Day 1

Galen came in today and worked with the artists! We worked with some still lifes in charcoal, and hopefully tomorrow we will be working with paint.

Even though we did do work and what I did today was practice, that's all I feel like it was. I did things today that I already knew how to do. Now I'm not trying to say that I know everything there is to know about sketching, but the things that Galen came in to talk about was already things that I had learned. There's still one more class left, which is great, but I really do hope we get to paint and learn techniques dealing with paint instead of charcoal.

My fingers are sore from playing my guitar after not doing so for such a long time. I'm teaching myself Banana Pancakes by Jack Johnson, and so far I've got the intro down.

I've also turned the tips of my finger black.

Paintings with Galen

I know I haven't even started yet, but I just got Luke's email about the painting classes with Galen for tomorrow. I'm already giddy and eager to work and marvel at his skills. I flipped through the dude's Flickr photo stream of his painting, and holy crap can this guy PAINT. I noticed that a lot of his paintings look like they branched from expressionism/post-expressionism, which I absolutely adore.

I am so excited.

Still life 2 update

I'm done with it, phew! Just need to touch up on the shadows. I'm happy with this particular one because I challenged myself. I am usually quite a slow drawer that gets bored easily with still life. I decided to draw this piece with long, decisive strokes (because I have a problem with having short lines). I finished this in about 2 hours, which is record time for me. It's also much more vibrant than my last color still life that I did. This is also getting quite easy to do. I had very minimal, if any, struggle with drawing this. It was more like leisure. Nice.

Life of Pi

This was a poem I came across whilst digging through my folders from last year. It's a poem that I wrote based on the book, Life of Pi.

One boy
One tiger
One vast Pacific Ocean
One sky
One God

Survival of the
Fittest
Through perseverance

It's fear
That is
Life's true opponent

A force that holds you
A force that judges you
A force that drives you

Hope and Trust
Fear's two sisters
Separated at creation
Can overthrow
The throne that
Fear
Sits upon

But slowly
But surely
God stands besides you
Guiding you
Protecting you

One boy
One tiger
One vast Pacific Ocean
One sky
One God

Time Chunks

Luke recently provided the visual artists with some Reed pens, sumi ink, and calligraphy brushes. With some extra time today during STAC, I decided to entertain myself.

Still-life 2

1 1/2 hours of work. I can probably finish it in another 1 hour.