Sometimes I get a frustrated because I'm already so bored of where I am.
I want to get out and travel. I want adventure. I want to explore regions of the earth I've never set foot upon. I'm sick of living in suburbia, where it's impossible to get anywhere if you don't have a car. I'm over high school. I'm already mentally beyond the experiences that high school entails.

Will this ever end?!

Epiphany on Dubstep

I was in the middle of dance (play the gag reel), and were doing African. I was listening to the music and the sound of drums when it suddenly struck me- a plausible reason as to why some people love Dubstep, house music, EDM.

As homosapiens, if we trace back our roots, we all came from Africa. In Africa, the drum and the beat of the drum is quite significant throughout its culture. This actually holds true for other cultures as well. That being said, EDM often involves very heavy and distinct beats and booms that could emulate the boom of a drum.

And that's my epiphany of the day.

Mind

I've been trying to adopt a new way of approaching life. After being more than halfway through The Untethered Soul, I've gradually began to feel more at peace and more zen. To achieve perfect harmony is to be aware of being aware. I'll work my way there.

I'm trying to seize every opportunity that comes my way that may benefit me. Push myself to move outside of comfortable boundaries. Embrace challenge as a gift, as a chance to expand and extend my knowledge and ability. Be happy, make peace, complain less, listen more.

To forgive or not to forgive, that is the question.

Forgiveness is a peculiar thing. Being able to forgive is such an essential skill, yet many of us are unable to do it. Often times, I hear people complaining about something that someone did to them. It's accompanied with excessive cursing and irrational answers.

We all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment. Our emotions take over our rational thinking, and that's why people show emotions and become upset. Because we don't know how else to deal with it. If people were able to think things out rationally, then there'd be no need for emotions.

One cannot be truly happy and experience themselves day by day without knowing how to forgive. It's a skill that one must learn, for it's incredibly difficult. I, thankfully, have adopted this way of thinking. I know what not being able to forgive can do to a person.

I'm telling you to forgive the unforgivable. Forgive even when you know you shouldn't and even when it doesn't make sense to others. Let go of the burden that clouds your mind because in reality, not all things are black and white. Not everything comes with an explanation. Not everything follows the laws of logic. Some things just don't make sense, and that's okay. 

Acknowledge, forgive, and move on.

Thoughts On a Winter Night

I'm always conflicted between wanting to grow up fast and wanting to stay a kid forever. I'm afraid of growing up because I don't want to lose my imagination and creativity. Most adults are boring and I don't want to become a boring adult. I can't imagine what it would be like to work a cubicle job. I don't think I'll ever be fully able to comprehend anyone who chooses to become an accountant or something of that sort. Is it because of the assured stability that comes with being one? But does that mean that someone who is an accountant is scared and unadventurous?

Working a cubicle job reminds me of Communism. In exchange for stability and a steady salary, you forfeit the artistic and creative mind (freedom of expression).

But then again..if you love what you do and if you're good at it, then that's all the really counts in the end, right? And even if you love what you do and you suck at it, wouldn't life be much more exciting versus doing something you hate for the rest of your life? That could actually go two ways.

If there's one thing I'll always disagree with, is when people call me a dreamer as if it's a bad thing. As if it's something that should be shunned and changed. Without the dreamers, how would the doers get anything done? How would anything advance or progress without the existence of dreamers? The reason why people don't like dreamers and why they're often seen as being lazy schmucks is because we have so many things we dream of doing and want to do, but simply not enough time to do it all. That, and the money that comes with it.

Money does not faze me. Yes, I guess it's a nice thing to have, but I don't care much about money. It has the ability to corrupt and infect even the purest of intents. And I know I have a biased perspective because in my life, money isn't a problem, but what I'm trying to get at is that I don't need money to make me happy. If I'm surrounded by people I care about and people that care about me, money doesn't necessarily appeal to me. And I'm not saying I want no money to the point where I'm homeless, but no money in the sense that I'd be perfectly okay living in a studio apartment with someone I love. I don't need some fancy car or some fancy big ass house.  I don't need designer handbags and hundred dollar makeovers. I don't need it, and I don't crave it. That's not my scene.

"Some people are so poor, all they have is money."

Family is important to me, but not as important as I'd like it to be. It's never like "I can't wait to go back home." It's never never "I wonder when my dad is going to be back from travel, I miss him." To me, family is important just because..well, because they're family. And it's not like I was deprived of a childhood or anything. But I didn't exactly have a particularly exciting childhood filled with unforgettable memories. I never cared much when my parents missed events like my birthday or even graduations. In fact, I remember going out of my way to tell my parents not to come see the school shows that I've preformed in. But one thing that does bother my time after time is whenever I am looking for praise, whether it be in art or my grades, the response is usually "Oh, okay." It's never like "Good job! I'm proud of you! Keep the good work up!" I've never been pampered with that shit.

I also feel sorry for my sister because between the two of us, I've always been regarded as the better child, and she know's it too. Because my sister is an introvert and I'm an extrovert, my dad can't comprehend her ways and instead just sees her as a lazy, apathetic person who can't communicate with the outside world. I understand her quite well, and I love her for who she is. I just wish that my dad could/would appreciate her in the same light that I do.

The Untethered Soul

Ellen has kindly lent me her book, The Untethered Soul. It's gotten me to think and reflect a lot on how I act and how I think when I get emotional.

It's such an interesting concept too- the concept that the essence of your very self is well, your Self. You are merely a shell in which a conscience occupies. You are a voyeur that is simply aware of the voice inside of your head talking.

I've been attempting to "separate" my body from mind, and it really is difficult! I have yet to finish reading this book; I'm up to Part 2: Experiencing Energy. I'm going to go read it now.


Singer, Michael. The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself. Oakland: New Harbinger Publications Inc., 2007.

Sometimes I  just want to radicalize everything about myself. Dye my hair a crazy color, get a piercing, get a couple of tattoos. I want to figure myself out, differentiate myself from normality because I'm not normal. I'm a weirdo, and I'm okay with that. I don't know. This could be my stupid adolescent brain talking, of just because I was watching some "Die Antwoord" interviews. Die Antwood is a south african rave-rap group, who categorized themselves in the Zef conter-culture movement. I love them, and they are so delightfully bizarre and freaky. I admire them in the sense that the don't give a rat's ass about what other people think, if they think that they're freaks.

I wish I was rich and famous enough not to give a shit.

Birthdays

Aren't you technically one year older every day? I mean, one year older than you were on that same day one year ago?

Ideas

The possession of ideas- can you still call a piece of artwork yours if you didn't work on it? Even though you came up with the idea for the piece, can you still tack your name on it even though you weren't involved in the process of it? Does it now belong to the person/people that worked on it? When does it stop belonging to you and belonging to others?

Talent

"Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard."

Talent is like a newly built well, brimming with water. When its recognized as a wonderful and convenient source, people will flock to it. People will rejoice and always discuss how wonderful it is, providing them with water to cook with, bathe with, to grow with.

However, like many other things in life, water is limited.

The well will eventually run dry, and when it does, people will begin to look for other means of obtaining water. But as simple as it sounds, it's truly a task. People will have to walk miles upon miles to have the same water they once had in their possession only a few feet away. And if they don't, then they will just whittle away into dust.

Much like water, talent runs out. Do not depend on talent, because in the end, it's not your talent that's going to get you places. It's the hard work you put in that'll really make the difference.

Picasso didn't become great over night, and neither did Mozart. Picasso did thousands upon thousands of paintings throughout his lifetime, each taking hours on end. Yes, Mozart wrote his first symphony at age 8, but it was great for an 8 year old. He didn't become famous until he composed hundreds of concertos, symphonies, and overtures. Why do you think we never hear from one-hit-wonders ever again? Because they latch onto their fleeting fame, soaking in the temporary lime light, praying that somehow, their hit will last. But eventually, they become burnouts, dedicating themselves as the butt of everyone's jokes.

Now, having talent will obviously give you the upper hand. But it's learning how to utilize and take that talent to maneuver yourself in a way that puts you ahead of others. And always remember to never let your ego get in the way of what you do. Praise is nice and all, but praise is also one of the main ingredients for becoming cocky. Being modest and humble will get you farther in life then you know.

What is Art? (An in progress explanation)

Art is the culmination of experiences one has when engaged in a piece,in conjunction with the immediate personal response. Art has evolutionary meaning behind it, and every time it is examined again, light is shined upon new things. Art involves effort, both physically and intellectually. Art is deliberate. Remakes of movies and such cannot be considered art, for they are simply revamped versions of things that are already great. Art is not something that can be produced within a certain time frame; only when the piece itself says its done, will it be done.

There's no such thing as finding the "perfect love."

There is only finding the one that you can tolerate more than others, and from there, developing the perfect love.

The reason why I'm able to forgive people so easily is because I've seen what not being able to forgive can do to you.

We're working on inside-outside projects in STAC Art, and I believe I accomplished quite a lot today.

I also learned a bit about myself through this. I spend so much planning and trying to organize things, and not enough time just letting go and letting my painting/artwork do the speaking. Today, I let my painting guide me and go where it wanted to go. I think it came out decent, but it's still a work in progress. I don't know how the end product is going to look like.

Eventually, both the red dots with become target signs. I need to finish that next time, and put a wall in between the two different textures.

Optimist, Pessimest, Realist

Personally, I don't enjoy all of the connotations that are tied to the words "optimist, pessiment, and realist." They do not determine whether you are a good or bad person. It is just a matter of fact; it's neither good or bad. It just is what it is. Whatever floats your boat and gets you by, right?

I'm the sort of person who always has their head in the clouds. I'd say that I'm both an optimist and a pessimist, and that's fine by me.

I wish I had a studio all to myself. A place where I could immerse myself in my art and inspirations. I'm thinking of turning my current room into a studio. I already have an idea of what to do with my room; I'm going to repaint my walls, decorate my walls with my work and inspirations, and get one of those "bunk beds" where the top is the sleeping area and underneath is a work place.

But I need to stop wishing & wanting, and start doing.

Mr. Pasquier made an interesting point to me in class today that really helped me to realize something.

He said that "Perfection is boring. Imperfection almost makes perfection."

That really stuck with me because I'm still in the phase of trying to adjust the way I work; from knowing everything to just trying to loosen up. To let the artwork guide me, not my mind.

My Koan

Why won't people pay attention to me?

----

I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of not being loved.

----

The more I know about myself, the more afraid I become.
It's really scary. It is literally horrifying.

I don't know if I like this.

Clear Days

Today was just a day of STAC art. I needed today. I enjoy STAC art very much because within the class, I feel like it's just easier to get those creative juices flowing.

My creative ability felt like a well oiled machine today. It was nice to feel like this especially after that day of being down in the dumps about my individual project.

I've also thought about what Luke told me this afternoon. He said that he's not clear on whether or not I should keep the "cartoon" aspect of my work or get rid of it as soon as possible. He said that it's a sort of fall back plan when nothing else is in place. I understand why he would say that because it makes a lot of sense. This kind of style falls into the same category as "cliché." But I think that it doesn't pose any REAL threat to myself as an artist. It's not like I don't know how to draw traditionally. It just means that I might just have to work harder at it, and I'm okay with that. I certainly am capable of producing work without this style which I think is important. I enjoy this simple style that I have because it's just something that is quick and simple for those days when I am just in the mood to create. 

Time Thief

I think I discovered another one of my possible artistic issues- time.

Time makes me anxious. The more I think about it, the more anxious I become. I feel as if the kernels of my life span are disintegrating between my very fingers. It's bizarre; at times I feel as if there isn't enough time in the entire stretch of space to do everything that I want to do. At other times, I feel like I have too much time. Time scares me. Time doesn't stop for anybody. Time doesn't give a shit about you.

It was around 2AM, and I was doing some thinking. I was also on the phone with my boyfriend listening to him tell me all about his childhood.

Unlike my family, his family is extremely close knit. His childhood was what one could call "perfect. He had the sort of childhood where after his soccer games, his father would take him out for ice cream. I'm actually quite jealous of the relationship his family shares (not that I don't appreciate my own). He also had what seemed like endless story after endless story. I thought about what I spent my childhood doing and I couldn't really think of anything of terrible importance.
For that sole reason, I was a bit panicky. I know I had a normal childhood and that I wasn't "robbed" of a childhood, but I feel like I've been in a way, robbed of time.

I talked to my boyfriend about this, and he told me that one shouldn't be afraid of time. That one should instead embrace time with open arms. Life happens in chapters, and each chapter has it benefits and it's down sides. For example, childhood is enjoyable in the aspect that you don't harbor much responsibility but it's annoying in the aspect that you don't have a lot of freedom. Early adulthood does come with responsibility, but it also comes with the added bonus of freedom.

Although he said all that, I still can't help but feel like I need to make up for lost time. That there's something that I constantly didn't fulfill. It makes me anxious....once again.

Grrrrrr.